What's the definition of safe sex in Australia?
Marking an 'X' on the sheep that kick.
Why She Changed Hotels
Last week, I checked into the Four Seasons in Palm Beach and was a bit lonely. I thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
I looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony -a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and I felt quite certain I could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum.... you get the picture. I figured, what the heck, I'll give him a call.
"Hello, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night -tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything baby. Now how does that sound?"
He says, "Oh my God... that sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
Church Organist
There was this small church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size. They warned her, though, to not eat any of the green persimmons 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while'.
She agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said....
'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday.'
Gas Problem
A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window. The bee said, "What seems to be the problem?" "I'm out of gas," the man replied. The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. "Try it now," said one bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow!" the man exclaimed, "what did you put in my gas tank"? The bee answered, Wait for it. Wait for it... You're just gonna love this... "BP."
Complaints to Travel Agents
These are a selection (So I am told) of complaints made to Travel Agents by holiday makers... "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts." "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned." "On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all." "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels." A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room. "The beach was too sandy." "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white." A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time. "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women." "We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake." "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled." "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home." "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller." "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?" "There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many ** foreigners." "We had to queue outside with no air conditioning." "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel." "I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite." "My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
I can only presume to much Sun was to blame............
Christmas Office Party
After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."
"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"
"You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him," said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
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