I'm writing this letter to you to tell you that I'm leaving you.
I've been a good man to you for seven years, yet I have nothing to show for it.
Life with you is unbearable. I called you at work just to see if you wanted to have lunch ( you know, maybe try to reconnect) and your boss told me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new aircut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand-new pair of silk boxers to bed.
You came home and ate in two minutes and went straight to sleep after watching TV. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want to be intimate or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore.
Whatever the case, I'm gone.
P. S.: Don't try to find me. Your sister and I are moving to West Virginia, if that's a problem, TOUGH!
Nothing has made my day better than receiving your letter.
It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch TV so much to try to drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad it doesn't work.
I did notice when you got a haircut last week; the first that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice.
And when you cooked my favorite meal you obviously got me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I hoped it was a coincidence that my sister had borrowed $50 from me that morning and your silk shorts cost $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out, so when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for $10,000,000, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Switzerland, but when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said, with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So, enjoy your new life!
P. S.: I don't know if I ever told you this, but Carla, my sister, was born CARL. I hope that's not a problem.