Wednesday, 24 March 2004 18:00

Emergency Room

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HOW TO TELL IF YOU WORK IN AN EMERGENCY ROOM

1. You believe that 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm.

2. Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.

3. You believe that a good tape job will fix anything.

4. You have the bladder capacity of five people.

5. You can identify the "positive teeth to tattoo" ratio.

6. Your idea of a good time is a full code at shift change.

7. You find humor in other people's stupidity.

8. You believe in the aerial spraying of prozac.

9. You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see.

10. You have your weekends off planned for a year.

11. When a pt. presents with a list of 30 allergies to meds you automatically think they are a drug seeker or a pt. of Dr. Solotkin.

12. Your idea of comforting a child is to place him in a papoose restraint.

13. You encourage an obnoxious pt. to sign out AMA just so you don't have to deal with them anymore.

14. You believe that "shallow gene pool" should be a diagnosis.

15. You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.

16. You plan what you're going to prepare for dinner while performing gastric lavage.

17. You believe that "ask-a-nurse" is an evil plot thought up by Satan.

18. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy it sure is quiet around here."

19. Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than most computers.

20. You refer to Friday as "dump day".

21. You believe chocolate is a food group.

22. When someone calls you a bitch and you take it as a compliment.

23. When you are out in public you complement a complete stranger on their "Great Veins."

24. You have ever referred to someone's death as a transfer to the "Eternal Care facility"

25. You don't think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is inappropriate.

26. You have ever referred to someone's death as a celestial transfer.

27. You ever answered a "lost condom" phone call.

28. When you refer to a pt. in respiratory distress as a "smurf."

29. Your idea of a really good time is dueling shock rooms.

30. You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide... getting it right the first time."

31. You believe that "too stupid to live" should be a diagnosis.

32. You have ever had to leave a pt's room before you begin laughing uncontrollably.

33. You have ever wanted to reply "yes" when someone calls asking, "Is my Mother (father, etc.) there?

34. You have ever wanted a terrorist to deliver a Ryder truck to the lab or ER.

35. You have ever issued a "dead head alert".

36. You have ever referred to the ER doc or triage nurse as a "Shit magnet".

37. Your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion.

38. You think caffeine should be available in IV form.

39. You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.

40. The most commonly uttered phrase in triage is "What changed tonight that makes it an emergency after 6 months?"

41. You have heard the charge nurse muttering down the hall, "Who's in charge of this mess anyway?"

42. When you mention vegetables you're not referring to the food group.

43. You have used the words "healthcare reform" to strike fear in your co-worker's hearts.

44. You believe that the waiting room should be supplied with a valium salt lick.

45. You play poker using ectopy on EKG strips.

46. You believe a "supreme being consult" is your pts only hope.

47. You want to order a "dumbshit profile".

48. You have been exposed to so many X-rays that you say, "No I don't worry about birth control... I've been irradiated."

49. You believe that your patient is demonically possessed.

50. Your patient states, "I have no idea how that got stuck in there."
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