Thursday, 18 March 2004 18:00

Instructions for living in Texas

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1. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

2. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of
their way. This is what they live for.

3. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals & bait in the same store.

4. Remember: "Ya'll" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

5. If you are yelling at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, a lot of folks learned to drive on a vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.

6. Get used to the phrase "It's not the heat, it's the humidity". And the collateral phrase "You call this hot? Wait'll August."

7. Don't tell us how you did it up there. Nobody from Texas really cares.

8. If you think it's too hot, don't worry. It'll cool down - in December.

9. We do TOO have 4 Seasons: December, January, February, and Summer!

10. A Mercedes-Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F-150 is.

11. If someone tells you "Don't worry, those peppers aren't hot" you can be certain they are.

12. If you fail to heed my warning in #11 above, be sure to have a bowl of guacamole handy. Water won't do it.

13. If someone says they're "fixin" to do something, that doesn't mean anything's broken.

14. If you don't understand our passion for college and high school football just keep your mouth shut.

15. The value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but the availability of shade.

16. BBQ is a food group. It does NOT mean grilling burgers and hot dogs outdoors.

17. No matter what you've seen on TV, line dancing is not a popular weekend pastime.

18. "Tea" = Sweet Iced Tea. There is no other kind.
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