A man buys a parrot, but after several weeks of trying is unable to get it to speak a single word. In desperation he takes the bird to the vet. The vet tells him that the parrot has too long a beak and that is stopping him from talking.
"I just need to file it down a bit and he should be alright," he says. The man says that is okay and the vet replies, "It will cost a hundred dollars."
"A hundred bucks!" says the owner. The vet tells him that it is a very delicate procedure. If he does not file it enough, the bird still will not be able to talk but if he files too much, the bird will drown while drinking his water. The man decides to think it over and leaves with his parrot.
The next day he comes back into the vet's shop, looking both sad and puzzled.
"What happened?" said the vet.
"Well, I just couldn't afford the hundred dollars, so I took him into my toolshed and did the filing myself."
"And now he's dead."
"Dead, what happened?"
"That's what I came to ask you about. I used a medium-grade file and got the beak down to what I thought was the right length, so he could talk but not drown while he was drinking his water."
"Sounds good so far, then what happened?"
"And then I took his head out of the vice and..."