" I worked as a stand up comedian in a old peoples home once... None of them understood my jokes but they still pissed themselves. "
Hollywood Squares Quotes
Sunday, 12 March 2006 08:45
1. According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margaret would like to start having babies soon, but her husband wants her to wait awhile. Why?
- Paul Lynde: He's out of town
2. Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie, 'What's The Matter With Helen?' Who plays Helen?
- Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver-that's why they asked the question
3. What are 'dual-purpose cattle' good for that other cattle aren't?
- Paul Lynde: They give milk ... and cookies, but I don't recommend the cookies
4. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
- Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
5. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
- Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him
6. Robert Young recently stated, 'I never, never give ...' something to his fans who ask for it. What?
- Paul Lynde: A hysterectomy
7. James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years old. Now he says it was 'one of the best things I ever did. What was it?
- Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming
8. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
- Charley Weaver: His feet
9. Before a cow will give you any milk, she has to have something very important. What?
- Paul Lynde: An engagement ring
10. According to Robert Mitchum, one thing has ruined more actors than drinking. What?
- Charley Weaver: Not drinking
11. When the Lone Ranger finished with a case, he left something behind. What?
- Paul Lynde: A masked baby
12. True or false: Some African Watusi tribesmen greet guests by running toward them at full speed, then high-jumping over them.
- Charley Weaver: This is sometimes terribly embarrassing to tall guests
13. You're on your first visit to Japan, and you head right for the Kabuki. Why?
- Paul Lynde: It was a long plane ride
14. If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
- Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it
15. Do female frogs croak?
- Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water
16. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
- Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake
17. Is there any such thing as an F cup in bra sizes?
- Paul Lynde: Yes, it sleeps four
18. True or false: Many people sleep better in their street clothes than they do in their pajamas?
- Paul Lynde: Yes. We call them winos
19. According to the World Book, is it okay to freeze your persimmons?
- Paul Lynde: No. You should dress warmly
20. According to psychologists, when a child begins to get curious about sex, what is the one question he will most ask his mommy and daddy?
- Paul Lynde: Where can I get some?
21. Your baby has a certain object which he loves to cling to. Should you try to break him of his habit?
- Joan Rivers: Yes. It's daddy's turn
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