Engrish
Wash in Coleslaw
Cooking My Dog
Gardening
An elderly Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament: Dear Vincent, A few days later he received a letter from his son. Dear Pop, At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area, but without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. The next day the old man received another letter from his son. Dear Pop,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over..? I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie.
Drinking Nun
John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. "You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!" Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. "How do you know this, Sister?" "My Mother Superior told me so." "But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?" "Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself" "Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life" "How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!" "I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know." The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar. "Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?" "Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"
Delia's Way
Delia's Way The Real Woman's Way Delia's Way The Real Woman's Way Delia's Way The Real Woman's Way Delia's Way The Real Woman's Way Delia's Way The Real Woman's Way Delia's Way The Real Woman's Way Delia's Way The Real Woman's Way Finally the most important tip... Delia's Way The Real Woman's Way
Put a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a cone to prevent ice-cream drips.
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
Tesco's sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice.
If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's just tough. Please recite with me the Real Woman's motto: 'I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.'
Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
It could keep forever... who eats it?
Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of vodka. Drink the vodka... you might still have the headache, but you won't give a damn! Why waste it? Rub the lime on your forehead afterwards, it may soak straight in? Unless you have another 8oz of that vodka left, of course?...
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Why do I have a man?
Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles.
Leftover wine?????????
Mixed Emotions
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and mixed emotions when he turned to his wife and said,
"Honey, that's a bunch of crap; I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
She said, "You have the biggest penis of all your friends."
Warning!!!
A word of warning for those of you who may be regular WAL MART customers.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get a few bits and pieces has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you!
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windscreen with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another WAL MART or TARGET. You agree and they get in the back seat.
On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 7th, 20th, and 24th. Also December 1st, 3rd, twice on the 7th, three times just yesterday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
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