The best laughs

Hiccup with the Photos

Only minor :) I went to upgrade my photo gallery today and have run into some issues. it should be back up by tomorrow and I'll keep working on editing the rest of the photos. Only 900 to go!!! WOWZERS

Still hunting out good jokes... Its getting very tricky now so if you see a great joke - send it in through the contact form!

Stay Smiling!

Collection

I'm not normally suspicious but the wife told me yesterday that Gavin from Autoglass came round and injected that special resin into her crack...... ....she hasn't even got a car!! 

I hate crushing pills up and putting them in my Gran's dinner. I feel sneaky, but if I ever got her pregnant I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.

Matt Lucas's ex-partner hanged himself this week. Matt is said to be distraught, but on a lighter note, is now the only gay in the village.

A little girl walks into her parents' bedroom. "Holy F*ck" she screams. "And YOU want ME to see a doctor about sucking my thumb...!!"

A wee Irish boy is crying by the side of the road. A man asks "What's wrong?" Boy says "Me Ma is dead." "Oh bejaysus" the man says. "Do you want me to get Father O'Riley?" Wee boy replies "No thanks Mister, sex is the last ting on me moind roight now."

Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said "No" and she lived happily ever after. She went shopping, drank vodka with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a wardrobe full of shoes and bags, stayed skinny and was never farted upon. The end.

Just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people of the world. I told them to "F*ck off - anyone who fits into my clothes isn't starving!"

Japanese scientists have now created a digital camera with such a fast speed that it's now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

Turned on my SatNav and it said 'Bear Left' and there was the zoo. How good is that?

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think to yourself: "I'm f*cking having that!"

Man lost in a hot air balloon over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer and shouts to him, "Where am I?" The Irish farmer looks up and shouts back "You can't kid me, ya b*stard, you're in that feckin' basket!"

Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials 999. Paddy says "It's my wife, I've accidentally shot her. I think I've killed her!" Operator: "Please calm down sir. Can you first make sure she really is dead?" . Paddy: "OK, done that, what next?"

Do not send this on to at least five friends in the next 10 minutes. You will suffer no unforeseen consequences, you will not find the solution to world peace, nor will you inherit an obscene amount of cash.

Why She Changed Hotels

Last week, I checked into the Four Seasons in Palm Beach and was a bit lonely. I thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

I looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony -a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and I felt quite certain I could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum.... you get the picture. I figured, what the heck, I'll give him a call.

"Hello, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night -tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything baby. Now how does that sound?"

He says, "Oh my God... that sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

Church Organist

There was this small church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size. They warned her, though, to not eat any of the green persimmons 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while'.

She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said....

'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday.'