Jokes

I've Learned

Miscellaneous

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned-that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned-that you shouldn't compare yourself to others-they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned-that it's taking me a long time to sleep with the person I want.

I've learned-you should always leave loved ones with loving words. You may need to borrow money.

I've learned-that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

I've learned-that a good time can be sitting on the beach and drinking with a bum.

I've learned-that heroes are the people who do whoever has to be done when they need to be done, regardless of the morning after.

I've learned-that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.

I've learned-that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean you can't take advantage of them when they're passed out and naked in your bed.

I've learned-that maturity is a magazine for old people.

I've learned-that your family won't always be there for you. Of course, if you win the lottery, the hag, the philanderer, the screw-up, the missing one,the asshole and the horse tooth girl will be and will also claim to be your best friend.

I've learned-that no matter how good a chick is, she'll only contribute to your alcoholism.

I've learned-that airport personnel don't like you joking about bombs in your luggage. No matter how many times you state that you're only joking.

I've learned-that overzealous customs agents can change your life in a matter of hours.

I've learned-To say "Screw them if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.

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